June 20, 2017

CoolQuotes

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.”

 Jack Handey

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  “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

 Phyllis Diller

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  “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.”

 Fats Domino

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  “A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”

 Winston Churchill

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  “The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!”

 Jack Handey

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  “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”

 Edgar Bergen

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  “Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.”

 Truman Capote

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  “A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”

 Bill Cosby

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  “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

 Groucho Marx

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  “Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”

 Carol Burnett

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“Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”

 Unknown

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  “The only real diet: If it tastes good … spit it out.”

 Unknown

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  “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

 Unknown

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  “It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.”

 Unknown

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  “An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.”

 Unknown

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  “I’ve learned … that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

 Andy Rooney

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  “Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”

 Winston Churchill

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  He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

 Winston Churchill

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  “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

 Winston Churchill

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  “One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone”

 Unknown

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